Well Not Yet She Ain't.......

  Have you ever had to go inside someones house that you don't know?  It can be very awkward.  I test drinking water mostly at businesses.  But once a month I have to go into an individuals house.  First I have to knock on their door .  Then when they open the door they stand there and look at me.  So I have to explain to them again who I am and why I'm there, again. And why I'm not the same person who came 6 months ago.  No one remembers the water has to be sampled every  month.  Well, after all the explanations, such as who is the company I work for, and why they employ more than one person to do this job and how economical could that be, I finally get to go inside the house.  I do understand all the questions.  Basically they are keeping you at the door while the spouse or kids do the flight of the bumblebee in the background.  How do I know this?  Because this is what I would do!

   Usually these monthly sample days are uneventful.  But last month however was a different story.  It was a Monday (of course).  I went into work.  Gonna take my little samples, sing my little songs. (I make up songs when I'm working).  I went to the first house without incident.  But then came house number 2.  Well, I walk up on the porch (which had quite a few "items" on it).  I get to the door and a small child 'pops' up out of a cardboard box.  I'm not sure how long the little fella had been in that box.  So I knock on the door, and a lady opens the door.  I said in my nicest I know your not gonna remember me from last month but can I come in your house anyway voice "Hi, my name is Stephanie, can I come in and take your monthly water sample?"  To which she replied with a very loud very exaggerated sigh!  At that point what can you say?  I was very sure she wasn't going to utter a word so as I turned around to leave she yells at her husband "They wanna take another sample." So he  yells "Well let her in then!"  I went in and took the sample.  As I was leaving I saw the kid was still in the box. He ask his sister to help him out, so she did.  She turned the box over.  The kid falls flat on his face and and a 'litter' of kittens came running out of the box over top of him.

  So to top the day off, I got to the last house (this was actually a new sampling point)  I asked the girl if I could take a water sample, she said sure.  I should have known that was too easy.  I go to the faucet or what was left of it and start cloroxing it.  The chrome was gone off of it.  There was nothing there but a black plastic tube.  Anyway her boyfriend came in and ask her, "Are you jealous of her?"  She said "No."  He ask "Why not?"  She told him " Because she's not in here hitting on you!"  To which he replied "Well not yet she ain't.............."

What!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don't look, it didn't happen!

OK so it’s happened to us all. You’re driving down the road (minding your own business) windows down, radio up, singing slightly off key. OK, singing way off key, then “IT” happens. “IT” will ruin the rest of your day. “IT” will cause you to yell at your children. “IT” will cause you to lose control. The happy morning you were experiencing is now over. No more happy thoughts. No more singing. The feelings of love you had for mankind are gone. The only thing left is anger. I mean eye-squinting, tight-mouthed frowning, tensed up anger. You people know what I’m talking about. IDIOT DRIVERS!!!!!
They are everywhere. On every corner, at every traffic light, and in parking lots. For some reason these people are oblivious to the “rest” of us. My favorite thing to say is “If you don’t look, “IT” didn’t happen. People pull out in front of you and never look, pretending they don’t see you. Pretending they don’t hear the squalling tires. Pretending not to see the 1200 car pile-up behind them. Leaving innocent insured's in their wake to pay the cost.
Yes, I will admit from time to time I may have experienced a mild form of Road Rage. I may have shaken my fist at a few people. I may have tried to box other drivers in behind me when they aggressively try to pass. I remember a few years ago a man in a Jaguar ran me out of my lane on a four lane highway into the turning lane. He was using a laptop while he was driving. Anyway after the whole situation was over, we were sitting side by side at a red light, we both had our windows down and Mr. I Can’t Stay In My Lane Because I Am Checking Stock Quotes While Driving, had the nerve to yell at me and say “Hey, I’m OK!” At this point I’m sure my blood pressure was VERY high. With I’m sure a squinted-eyed, tight-mouthed, frowny-face I shook my fist at him and screamed “I DON’T CARE HOW YOU ARE” To which he gave a slight “Oh well” shrug of the shoulder and drove away when the light turned green. This happened a few years ago, and still I am getting mad as I write this. Grrrr! My eyes are squinting up now.
Oh and the worst is when you’re the only one on a two lane road where you can’t pass anyone. Your cruise is set on 59, again windows down. Then someone pulls out in front of you doing 35 mph in a 55 zone. AHHHHHH! I hate that. Why do they pull out in front of you? Why not wait until you go by? I did kinda feel bad for shaking my fist at an old lady the other day, but not for long.
Last week a man pulled out in front of me. So I shook my fist at him and the woman with me just looked at me. I said “The dude’s wearing a neck brace, and I bet I know how he got it. HE PULLED OUT IN FRONT OF SOMEONE” Those people drive me crazy! Then when we got to the stop sign he didn’t stop. He pulled out in front of another car. You know, maybe with the neck brace he just wasn’t able to turn his head and look to see if something was coming. I don’t know. All I know is that I am so tired of people using speeding vehicles to try to end my life! It’s like when they get behind the wheel, they lose their hearing, and their eye sight. If they don’t see it, it didn’t happen.
A few months ago I was driving about 5 mph OVER the speed limit and I hear a horn blowing. There is a man behind me riding my bumper, swerving, and wildly waving one finger in particular at me. Still don’t know what that was all about. I figured maybe I was driving too fast and he was concerned for my safety. So I slowed way down so he wouldn’t worry about me. I also looked up in my rear view mirror and smiled at him and waved so he would know that I appreciated his concern. I think that meant a lot to him.
I know we all make mistakes while driving, but most people do try to at least acknowledge these mistakes with a big eyed “what just happened?”look. Or an “I’m sorry” smile. Or even a sticking your tongue out and “I did that on purpose” look. Just something to acknowledge what you just did. But no. Instead people wreak havoc with their driving, leaving masses of angry people behind them.
OK, idiot drivers, with a squinted eye, and a tensed up frowny-face, I shake my fist at you! But it doesn’t matter, because you didn’t see it. Because “If you don’t look, IT didn’t happen!

Excuse me Ma'am

For those of you who don't know I have been suffering from a debilitating disease, to which I am told I will not survive. Fortuna dies natalis is the Latin term. But you may know it as "birthdays". I have been affected by them for many years. As a matter of fact my last attack was last Wednesday, I turned 25! At least that's what I told people anyway. I used to tell people I was 19 and they would say "Really?" I stopped telling that when they started saying "Really?!#@@%" followed by very loud belly laughing! I actually turned 35. 35? I never thought that I would live to be this old. But I have, and I have been blessed.
Michael ask me last month if I was 500 years old. I said "no". Then he said "600? "Never did the thought occur to him that I might be LESS than 5 centuries old! Bryanna ask me if cars had wheels on them when I was young? To which I replied "no!" She just said OK. Sarcasm is really wasted on children.
A couple of years ago I noticed that the kids working the counters at fast food joints were calling me "Ma'am." Ma'am? Do I really look like a "Ma'am"? Whats up with that? That's the same thing as saying here's your food "old lady". Because it's never the nice polite "ma'am" it's more like "MA'AM!!!!!" like if you wouldn't come in here and order things I wouldn't have to work kinda 'MA'AM'. Hmmm, was I ever like that during my Hardee's years? Well I better not go there. Oh well!
I have been plying golf and I facebooking about how badly I have been playing. Well Thursday I was at a golf store which shall remain un-named. They had these golf balls that caught my eye. They were shinny and metallic. Now, I only play golf with pink balls. Pink golf bag, pink clubs, pink hats, pink balls. I like pink! Well right there in that plastic container, what do you think I saw? Yes, a very shinny, very metallic pink golf ball. I had to have it. So I ask the kid behind the counter " Are these good balls?" He said "Yes they are." So I did what any golfer in search of a good pink golf ball would do. I bought it. Then the kid said and I quote " You'll like these they are easier to see. A lot of 'old women' use these, MA'AM!
And so goes another birthday. But you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way. I have a good life, a great family, and and even greater God who has given me this birthday affliction, to which I am wonderfully blessed to have. My hope is that we'll all be blessed with many, many more birthdays!

Whats the point!

For a while now I have been wanting to start a blog. So today I have. I haven't written since college English. My English teacher once told me that I wrote the most pointless stories that she has ever heard. But thats okay because one of the funniest people I have ever known couldn't read or write but he "TOLD" some of the most pointless stories I ever heard. My grandpa's stories were always funny. Pointless, but funny. He died 8 years ago from bone cancer. I knew he was going to die when he stopped telling stories. One day he just stopped.

I used to write. I wrote stories, poems, and in a diary. I wrote all kinds of silly pointless stories. I justed loved to write. I can't pin point when, but one day it just stopped. I'm not sure why. Maybe my pen ran outta ink, or I broke my number 2 pencil lead. I could have lost my loose leaf paper, or maybe somewhere I just lost me. I don't know why all I know is that I stopped doing what I loved. I would really like to get back into doing what I love. (And perhaps torture a few people along the way) So this is my feeble attempt to get back to what I love.

I'll just go ahead and tell those of you who don't know, my family is a bunch of kooks. Where we live, we call it 'Greens Acres', because something silly and cartoonish usually happens here. And Don, poor, poor Don, I seemed to have dragged him into my kookiness. He was normal when I married him. Poor Guy!

My blogs will probably be "Seinfeld" blogs. Blogs about nothing in particular- my family, kids, church, couponing or just my crazy life. If you are in my family, I consider you fair blogging game. Sorry Don!!